Sympathy for Richie

I started watching season 2 of The Bear on Hulu last night. I only got 8 episodes in, so I am assuming I am almost done with the season.

Some minor spoilers ahead.

I will reiterate that I haven't watched the rest of the season so I may be off base but I could help but cry a little watching the episode where Richie goes to work in that high end restaurant. When I first started watching the show I identified with Carm, ex-culinary school kid who tried to distance himself from his family for seemingly good reason (definitely good reason after the flashback episode, I will get into that in another post maybe because it was way too real and relatable). Back to Richie.

I didn't like Richie much when I first started the show. I thought he was annoying and that he was just an obnoxious jerk who had to have his way. Then this episode comes on. I figured I would get a whole show of Richie making an ass out of himself by being out of his element. What I got was a subplot of him just wanting to do better for his daughter. You see, I have a 10 year old daughter that doesn't live with me. It tears me up that I only see her every other weekend and I wish I could see her everyday and hold her close. I love both my kids with my life, I would do absolutely anything for them and it tears me up that I cannot be the father I want to be.

At one point he says, "By the way, I love Taylor Swift, I just needed a break." as his daughter walks away. It reminded me of a couple weeks or a month ago when my youngest came up asking if I wanted to watch more Bluey with her. I said absolutely not, we had been watching it all day and I just wasn't vibing with it anymore. This crushed her, totally crushed her and she pouted in her room.

The next day I asked if she wanted to watch Bluey and she, dejectedly, said no, because I don't like it. Let me tell you, that cut deep. It is 100% okay for me to turn off the TV or even not like something but by goodness, she just wanted to share her favorite show with me and I shot her down. I was a jerk for this and since have enthusiastically watched her favorite shows with her without question or protest (unless its YouTube shorts, can't do it). I bring this up, because at one point Richie is rocking out to Taylor Swift and loving it (I came to love Bluey in the same vein), and he just wants to feel closer to his kid. He knows he isn't the model dad and he knows she is in a better place because he isn't in the right spot to take care of her full time.

Its a bitter reminder that I am not that different from Richie in that regard. I love my kids so much, I would do anything for them, I want to give them everything, but I am not the model dad. I get crabby quickly, I want to do my own thing for the most part, and I stress so much there are times when I can't enjoy my time with them, but holy eff do I want to be better. And I try everyday. The weekends I don't have her, I use to think of things I did wrong and improve upon them. I fear, do to the strained co-parent relationship with their mother, that she will pull away from me more as she gets older. It may not even happen, but I am mentally preparing for it.

My grandmother did the same to me with my parents. She drove a wedge in between me and them, talked down about them to me and ultimately made me not want anything to do with them. This went on passed her death. It wasn't until I was in my 30s that my Dad and I starting talking more. Do you want to know what I found out? That he also knew he wasn't the model parent, that he would also get crabby easily, and he also wanted to just spend time with me. The difference is, he had nobody in his corner, he had no support network, and, what's worth, he was shamed for trying to get the mental health he needed so he COULD be a better Dad. I've talked a lot of shit on my dad in the past, and I regret it, because I ultimately do forgive him. He still isn't perfect and not the older father figure I would prefer to have but he is a quirky old man in my life that occasionally invites me over for bar-b-ques that I ultimately cook mostly for. It's fine the way it is.

I hope that since I have a support system and the resources to be better that I don't fall into the same spiral as my dad and just give up completely after awhile. I don't think that will happen, though, because I have been fighting this fight for 10 years.

It is surreal, though. One day you are your kids hero, you can do no wrong in their eyes, and you're the best person. Then they get older, and your cracks become more apparent. They don't see you as a king or a prince anymore, but a ruler and a boss almost. It is sobering. Absolutely sobering.

I also hope that Richie gets to be the Dad he wants. He doesn't need to be the perfect dad, he just needs to keep showing up.